i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
