I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
