I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
