Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
no, he came in my armpit
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
