I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
