FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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