the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
