I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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