Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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