Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just want nice things and good sex
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
