I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
