Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Bring me that man meat
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
