There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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