No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
