Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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