I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
