If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
no, he came in my armpit
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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