would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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