so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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