If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
