ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
