i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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