it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
