just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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