I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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