I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
