So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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