Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
