we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
