i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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