Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
