I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
