Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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