and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
