after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
