Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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