i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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