She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
