i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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