I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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