he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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