i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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