i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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