There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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