my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
