she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
