Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
