Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
there is glitter all over my balls
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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