Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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