We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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