I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
